Jack Turns One Month

Today is Jack's one month birthday. Part of me can't believe how fast the time has passed, but on the other hand, the days have all felt unbelievably long. Such is life with a newborn. Jack has changed a lot over the past month, filling out and getting a little harder to handle. Right now we're in that horrible stage where he's learning to fall asleep. I spend hours and hours each day rocking and bouncing and shushing. I feel bad for the little man, however. He has reflux, and while his meds are helping, you can tell that he's in obvious pain for large portions of the day. Why oh why can't I have a baby that's born able to digest? It would be so helpful.

I keep ping-ponging between wishing he'd stay little and cute and wishing that he would outgrow the newborn difficulties. The newborn period, even though it's only six weeks long, is such an amazing time in a child's life. There's something about a new little baby straight from heaven that's such a precious thing. Right now Jack is completely innocent and pure, something I can't say about his older brothers! He's never talked back, hit, or deliberately done something wrong. You can see in his face that he's disoriented and overwhelmed, and I want so desperately to teach him that the world is a safe and welcoming place. Even though I'm beyond sleep deprived, I wish I could record every moment with him so I could replay it over and over in the future.

I have this wish for heaven. I hope that, in heaven, you are able to recall in detail all the small moments in life. I want to remember all that rocking and bouncing in shushing in vivid detail throughout all eternity. I want to relieve all the beautiful moments with each of my babies whenever I please without the feelings of fear and doubt that accompany earthly motherhood. Right now, juxtaposing Jack's innocent perfection, I have fears about the future. Will he have the same independent nature as Max, or what about Luke's health problems? Heaven help the poor kid if he takes after me! I worry about what he could become much more than I should, even knowing that he has an even greater chance of becoming something wonderful. That's all I really want for all my boys- to become their own version of wonderful. One month in and Jack already has a good start.