To Whatever Dork Put Carpet in My Dining Room

You are obviously a moron with no children (whoever put in carpet, not my beloved family and friends). Normally the carpet is only a minor annoyance, but then we have days like today where lunch resulted in a big stain of taco sauce and then, during dinner, tomato soup being sloshed on the floor. Now now, I know what you're thinking. But, I will not deny my child red foods because you lacked foresight. Actually, I've determined that sheer idiocy has earned you the right to pay for new flooring.

Now, I've done all the math for you, to make it easy. The dining room, living, room, and hallway (because, really, you have to do all three to make it look right) are 396 square feet. So, to put in fake wood floors, you owe me right around $2000 dollars. I think that's incredibly reasonable; I'm not even insisting on real hardwood.

Because I don't know your name or where you live, you can just drop a check by whenever you read this. If we're not home, you can drop it in the mailbox. Mostly, I hope you've learned your lesson.

With love,
Heather